The endless vacuum that is my child.

Okay I have a couple of kids, so I know about growth spurts, and increased eating habits. I have to tell you though, my ten year old is going to financially ruin me! How the heck does one kid eat so much? This incredible child of mine is eating, and drinking everything in sight. Do I have a quart and a half of raspberry lemonade? I did until 5 minutes ago. Let me just go to the fridge and grab some deli meat for a sandwich. Forget about it! Screw it. I'll have a hot dog. Not so fast my friend. I'm glad hopes and dreams aren't edible, because they'd be gone too. Where the heck is this kid putting this stuff? It's not in the garbage. I keep thinking that one day I'm going to find years and years worth of food stashed under a floor board in my house. I have an older child, but she just wants hot wings and fajitas, and she has a job. My 10 year old is making me rethink about the limiting of child labor in this country. I tell you if this keeps up this kid's gonna have to pitch in! I had a big appetite when I was 10, but a lot of boys do. My kid is a girl!!! For the love of Pete where in the world is she putting it all!

Disney and Mind Control

All I want to know is how the hell Disney does it. They have my kid and countless others hooked on their mindless programs harder than Amy Winehouse on.... well anything. Anyway how the hell do they do it? Those darn shows are all my kid and so many of her friends talk about. I'm afraid to even mention any of the names in case Disney is putting something in the air, and I get some sort of contact high from it. If I had this kind of ability I would be opening up a used car lot somewhere in your neighborhood right now. I know bad parent. I am supposed to keep my kid away from the evils of television. I do trust me I do. Unfortunately the power of the DVR is mightier than my parenting gene. Damn Technology! I never remember being this caught up on a particular channel or tv show as a kid. Okay, sure I got ticked off if I missed an episode of Scooby Doo on Saturday morning (and no anything with Scrappy Doo I missed on purpose), but through therapy I moved on. Is it subliminal messaging? Is it some sort of visual crack? Hell maybe they are just true evil marketing geniuses. Is this all just a stepping stone to some sort of convoluted plot for world domination. No that was the plot of one of their episodes of... Crap they almost had me for a second. Stop your evil mind control Disney, and give us back our kids.

What to do if your friends have an ugly baby?

Welcome. Let me start by introducing myself. I am a married father of two girls,one who is a teenager with a drivers license. Despite my youthful appearance, I've now reached middle aged. Upon reaching this..... milestone, I came to the conclusion that I might have some sort of valuable wisdom that I could impart on the world. Now let me just say this is all done with toungue firmly planted in cheek. I don't know everything, far from it, but I do surprise myself every now and then with a little nugget of wisdom.
I decided to us this as a forum to share some of that sage advice. Here is the first gem folks.
What do I do if my friends have an ugly baby? Now I must admit 99.999 percent of all babies are downright beautiful or at least cute in some small way. Alas unfortunately there is that small portion that doesn't quite fit into either of those categories. For those of you that don't believe me, go to google, click on images, and type Flava Flav, and then recall that he once was a baby. I'll wait for you to do this and then come back to this page. Now that we are in unanimous agreement that there is such a thing as an ugly baby, lets dispense with the first piece of advice.
What do I do if my friends have an ugly baby? Well first of all we don't want to say anything harsh. After all these are friends and we care about them. The second option for most would be to just lie. Then there is the third option for those like myself who can't stand to lie in those sort of situations. I simply look at the baby and say, "Look at you!" Simple. No lies involved. No babies or parents insulted. I have taught my wife this "code". We have only had to ever use it twice. Believe me though, it was a lot smoother than looking at the baby and the parents and asking them, "@*##! What the hell happened"
Thank you for taking to time to read my first ever post. There will be more to come. Hopefully If I tick you off a little some days, I can make you laugh on most others. Remember,
I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying what's on my mind.